“The most wonderful time of the year” is here, whether we are ready for it or not. For many of our kids from hard places, all that wonderful-ness can also represent big changes in routines, in familiar foods, with clothing, and noise. Some of those changes are enough to trigger melt-downs of epic proportions for kids who struggle with sensory processing disorders. When you have a child with a sensory processing disorder, it can be hard to enjoy your family traditions and special occasions together.

Here are 8 tips to help you prepare for the season and support your child with sensory processing disorder at the holidays.

When it comes to sensory disorders, knowledge is power.

Simply understanding that your child’s sensory processing disorder is real and not just willful “acting out” behavior is a powerful tool in your parental toolbox. When you can look at your child’s behavior through this filter, you realize that her nervous system is struggling to process and organize the sensory information that is not part of her regular experience. Educating yourself and helping your child understand how her brain works is empowering for both of you. When your child’s challenges manifest, you have an opportunity to respond from a base of understanding and can choose compassion rather than frustration at the change in behavior. You will feel equipped to assist her in behaving differently.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

When your child has a sensory processing disorder, it is far better to prevent the nervous system from becoming dysregulated in the first place, as opposed to cleaning up the “mess” of a melt-down later. Keep in mind that you know your child best! For example, before that formal holiday dinner at the fancy restaurant in town, think about what your child’s sensory preferences and dislikes are on a typical day. Does a small coloring book and crayons help create a sense of calm and peace when he is stressed? Is there a snack or drink that represents familiarity and safety to him in a new place?

Pack a small bag of tricks before you leave. Give the child a voice in what he packs. Talk about what he is choosing and why. That choice is empowering for both identifying his dysregulation and coping with it. If you can, you might even consider in advance to manage or even remove sensory aversions that you know would seriously trigger him. This might mean enlisting the help of another family member or even the restaurant staff on occasion.

Be a student of your child and her sensory processing disorder.

This tip goes hand in hand with that ounce of prevention. Talk with your child before an event about how she can communicate to you that she is feeling maxed out or triggered. Keep your eyes peeled during holiday activities for the slightest sign that would indicate that your child is having difficulty with her sensory processing disorder. Closely watch her facial expressions. Check on her energy level through the event. Listen to her tone of voice when she’s interacting with all those cousins. Is she communicating with body language that she’s nearing her limit for new or different sensory input? Then be sure to jump on the opportunity to use those strategies you created together to build her sense of safety and trust that you take her feelings seriously.

Go with the flow and be flexible.

You may be the only one in these moments who can be flexible (wink, wink). Know that you may need to tweak the established plans for the sake of your child’s needs and that’s ok! In fact, consider making a backup or even an exit plan for you and your family to increase your ability to be flexible. If you do have to change plans or leave early, decide ahead of time that it is okay to feel disappointed but that this isn’t the only holiday event of the season. There will be other family gatherings to come. Tell yourself, and your child, that “there is always next year.” In the end, if changing plans gives you an opportunity to build trust, safety, and connection with your child, then your flexibility becomes a “double win!”

Communication is key to managing sensory disorders.

Talk honestly with family or friends who will be at the seasonal activities. Let them know in advance that you are putting some things into place to support your child’s sensory processing disorder, in light of the holiday events. Most importantly, communicate with your child, let him know you are there for him and invite him into the planning so that he too can enjoy his holiday season and handle his feelings successfully. An excellent tool you can employ for this is the use of visual supports (like a picture schedule or a social story) to help him understand his feelings and what he can choose to do to manage them. Many kids enjoy creating the stories, brainstorming the choices of tools and the possible outcomes to help them internalize their new coping skills.

Collaboration eases the anxiety of sensory processing disorders.

We all like to feel like we have some control over things. Our kids desire to feel that empowerment as well. In fact, this is often even more true of your child with sensory processing disorder. Giving her a voice and allowing her to work with you collaboratively to create coping strategies can help her to feel safe in your care for her. When she feels that “overwhelm” rising, remembering that she contributed meaningfully in the plan that soothes her dysregulation often aids in the soothing itself. For example, when you are in an event where you sense her anxiety rising, you can quietly whisper to her “You are ok. We knew this might happen and we worked together to fix it. Are you ready to take a short walk out in the parking lot with me? We can deep breathe out there together.” She’ll feel covered, equipped and assured that she is not alone in the overwhelm.

Repeat after me: “None of us are perfect and that is OK.”

All the above strategies are absolutely worth the time and effort they require. But you can’t plan for every situation and you can’t control others who add to the circumstances. Don’t beat yourself up if things still don’t go as you had hoped they might! It happens. Acknowledge that it’s going to happen, and let yourself be OK with it when it does. Talk with your child beforehand about that possibility and role play a fun, exaggerated “Oh, well, THAT didn’t go like I planned for it go!” type of response.

Healthy self-care is crucial!

Don’t forget to think about your own sensory challenges and preferences and be sure to schedule some down time for those things that bring joy and meaning to your holiday experience. Your sensory break time will undoubtedly look very different than your child’s looks, but it is no less important. When things are frantic and stressful, you will be far more equipped to handle them if you’ve engaged in healthy self-care. Self-care is crucial all year round, but it definitely should not be ignored during this “most wonderful time of the year!”

Yes, this holiday season can bring plenty of opportunities for chaos and meltdowns for your kiddo with a sensory processing disorder. But in the middle of all those family dinners at Grandma’s house, raucous cousin fun, and fancy parties with old friends, it really can still be “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” It might require some planning and creativity on your part. It will require flexibility and understanding from you and your loved ones. But if it also yields some connected-ness, increased trust and security within your family, well that kind of wonderful-ness of that can’t be quantified, now can it?

Blog Credit: Creating A Family

Every year right about this time, children everywhere are going back to school. The lines at Walmart are long and shopping carts are full of brand new box of crayons and brightly colored spiral bound notebooks. As thoughts turn to school, parents of adopted kids often wonder if they need to do anything extra to make sure their child has a smooth school year.

Beginning of School Checklist for Adopted Kids

1. If your family stands out, prepare your child to answer questions from other children.
2. If you want to make sure that different types of families are valued in your school, ask your child’s teacher if you can come to class to read a book about different ways families are made. Check out our list of the best books that highlight different types of families.
3. If your child was adopted internationally, consider asking the teacher if you can do a lesson on that country. Hint: bringing candy from that country to share is always a hit.
4. Share the amount of information about your child’s life that is necessary for the teacher to help your child. It is usually not necessary to share intensely personal details with the school.
5. If you are concerned about specific behaviors, consider talking with the school counselor in addition to the teacher. Brainstorm ways to help your child and ask for open lines of communication.
6. If your child freely and proudly shared details about his adoption and life prior to coming to your family, think about whether he is oversharing details that he will later regret. Being proud to be adopted is one thing, sharing that you were abandoned in a field or that both birth parents are in jail might be too much. Some kids need help understanding the difference between privacy and secrecy.
7. Ask your child’s teacher if there will be school assignments that might be problematic for your child, such as creating a family tree, bringing baby pictures, or sharing early life stories.

Blog Credit: Creating A Family

Top 5 Books You Must Read When Adopting from International Adoption or Foster Care

1. The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family by Dr. Karyn Purvis

The hands-down winner in our survey of best book to read if you are adopting from foster care or through international adoption was The Connected Child by the late great Dr. Karyn Purvis. This book is often the first book that parents read when adopting a child past infancy or a child “from a hard place”. What I appreciate as much as Dr. Purvis’s wisdom is her warmth and compassion for both the child and the parents.

2. Adopting the Hurt Child by Drs. Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky

I was so glad that this often overlooked classic made the list. It is packed full of great information on understanding children who have been abused and neglected. The companion book, Parenting the Hurt Child, is also a must read.

3. Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best

Adopting a toddler or preschooler presents unique challenges (and opportunities) to adoptive parents. If you are adopting a child 4 or under, this is a thought provoking book with practical ideas.

4. Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge

This book, written by an adoptee, gives insight to understanding the nature of adoption from the adoptees perspective, which can be quite different than the adoptive parent perspective.

5. Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors by Heather T. Forbes

Another great book which goes beyond the theory of why some children struggle to attach and offers a guiding hand and a heavy dose of hope for loving and parenting these children.

Honorable Mentions

Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents and Attaching Through Love, Hugs, and Play by Deborah Gray

The Adoptive & Foster Parent Guide: How to Heal Your Child’s Trauma and Loss by Carol Lozier

Blog Credit: Creating A Family

Sometimes parenting feels like we are soaring. Everything is clicking—we get the kids out the door in the morning without a major tantrum and we’re no more than 10 minutes late, we are eating semi-nutritious meals most days, and the little darlings are in bed with a minimum of fuss and teeth more or less brushed most nights.

Then there are times when it feels like we are slugging it out in the trenches. Often it is one particular child that puts us there. Perhaps this child was adopted at an older age after experiencing trauma, or maybe she has brain damage  caused by prenatal exposure to alcohol or drugs, or maybe this child’s temperament is a really poor match for yours. Whatever the reason, some kids are simply more challenging to parent.

When you are in the trenches it’s hard to see a way out. It’s at those times that you need some “quick” tips and tricks to help you cope. Read over these tips every week until you start to climb your way out of the parenting depths.

Tips for Parenting Harder to Parent Adopted Kids

1. Self-care.

Our number one recommendation before you do anything else is take care of yourself. You’ve heard the airplane analogy ad nauseam, but it’s true: “You have to put on your own air mask before you can help someone else.” Your sanity and your energy are the most important thing you bring to your family and to this challenging child, so you must find a way on a regular basis to recharge. An afternoon window shopping (or actual shopping) at the mall by yourself, a Saturday morning at Starbucks, a monthly massage, regular attendance at an exercise class, participating in the church choir, or a daily run. Whatever feeds your soul qualifies as self-care, and this should be a priority.

2. Find your someone.

This is similar to self-care, with a similarly trite analogy: When your battery is dead, you need to connect with a live battery to recharge. Who is your live battery? Who can you connect with when you are in the trenches? Who will understand and support you? An online or in person friend who’s been where you’re at, a therapist, your spouse, or all three. Find this someone, and let them know that you are struggling and will need to lean on them to help you through.

3. Learn.

Our mantra here at Creating a Family is knowledge is power! The more you learn about the forces that shaped your child and you, the better able you are to cope and to raise this child.

4. Cut you and your child some slack.

Cultivate empathy for yourself and your child. When you are in the thick of it, it’s hard to do, but after she is asleep (and looking angelic), list in your head the things that happened to her that brought her to this place. Focus on the fact that your child is not purposely trying to drive you crazy and make you feel like a failure. And while you are thinking, direct some thoughts inward. What issues from your past are you bringing to this interaction? Do you hate conflict because of the family you came from? Do you need a lot of order in your life to feel secure? Does your love language conflict with this child’s. For example, do you crave physical affection, but this child expresses love through being helpful.

5. Play.

Never underestimate the power of having fun as a person and family to help you through the dark times. As Allison Douglas, Family Advocate with the Harmony Center, said in a Creating a Family Radio show: “The more difficult your child, the more fun you should be having with them.” Find one thing that you and your child both enjoy and make a point of doing it frequently. Once you find one thing, look for something else. It should be simple and cheap: bike riding, playing catch, watching Sponge Bob, reading books out loud, or baking cookies.

There you have it—5 tips that can help you when parenting a child with difficult behaviors. These are not one and done tips that you can do once and check off of a list. They are lifestyle changes that you need to make to help your child and help yourself.

Blog Credit: Creating A Family

Photo Credit: Hal Gatewood